Harry Potter and the Convenient Plot Device
by Turbanator
Summary: ... to go Back in Time and Make Things Right. A parody of all Time Travel fics, with one exception, Harry has to battle his own mind: MultiplePersonality!Harry
1. Prologue

**Harry Potter and the Convenient Plot Device to go Back in Time and Make Things Right**

**2001  
****Evening  
Ministry of Magic ruins**

Two people stood above the rubble, the central plaza having since crumbled beneath the real buildings of London above.

The lifeless of form of a grinning Voldemort lay broken atop the statue, his hand still on his wand, having been killed by those two.

"Hermoine..." The other boy whimpered, his wide eyes taking in the scenery, "Are we going to play Quidditch soon? Ron likes to watch it..."

She sighed and shook her head, muttering some spells to heal the large cuts on her arms, already adding to the other scars that were laden on her limbs, torso and face.

"No Harry, Hogwarts is gone, remember? The Death Eaters turned its own protection against the castle and shattered the walls." She held back a sob, "Ron's dead, Bellatrix got him, followed by Ginny."

"Ginny?" Harry furrowed his brow, "Who's that?"

Hermoine groaned, knowing that she shouldn't have bothered explaining. She secretly cursed the Diadem of Ravenclaw for doing this to Harry.

Crouching down, Harry looked at the rocks and noticed his balance was off, but his eyesight was much better. He began to scream in horror.

Of course, not having a left arm and owning the latest in magical optical enhancement would do that to you. He turned his face to her, the red eye in his normal eye socket flitting about frequently, as he stopped his terrified cries.

"Heh... So all the Shit Eaters are dead, huh?" His laugh was cruel, but tinged with another, less sane, emotion, "No wonder, when they followed that stupid snake..."

He raised his wand at Voldemort and fired a curse at it. The body bounced off and fell to the ground, the Avada Kedavra curse doing nothing to an already dead body.

"Oh poo, that didn't work, eh?" With a quivering smile, Harry cast the Imperio curse and made the corpse dance to the tune of an unseen jig.

"Stop it, Harry!" Hermoine was horrified and covered her face.

"Bah, you're no fun Hermy... Not like last time..."

"That was different, you bastard!" She started crying and pulled out her wand, pointing it directly at Harry's face, "Ron died saving me, I had no one else to count on, but you took advantage of that. Now, put him down, Harry."

Smirking evilly, Harry leered at her, "You know, you were very tasty, another sample wouldn't hurt -"

A red light lanced by and split open his cheek, as Hermoine's cheeks were flushed red with anger and embarrassment, tears beginning to form.

Looking down at the blood dripping onto the ground, he licked the side of his mouth, drinking his blood, and looked at her defiantly.

"Fine... I'll release him..." Harry looked at Voldemort and released the spell, only to cast another, "REDUCTO!"

The body exploded from the impact, sending flesh and bone flying everywhere, showering them with rotten blood.

"For God's sake, Harry!" Hermoine was disgusted at him.

He began to shriek with laughter and sang, "Old Voldy's gone mouldy!"

He grinned, before suddenly switching to a more serious look, his eyes narrowing and calculating. Lowering his hand, he looked at them both before removing the blood from both of them.

"Thank God, you're back..." Hermoine sighed, "How are you?"

"My body is fine, aside from the usual problems of a lack of limb." He stared up at her, "I apologise for earlier, as you know, the personality switches at random, though as we know now, things will change when I go into the past."

Hermoine nodded and looked around her. The Greatest Fire of London was still burning, the magical curse of Fiendfyre that one Death Eater cast eating through anything until it consumed all it could. No amount of fire brigades or magic could stop it.

She started to feel her face the smooth skin now marred by rugged scarring, and she cried.

"Please... Make things better, Harry... For you, for us, for everyone..."

"That I will do..." Harry walked over and gave her a hug, "I'll eliminate his life and soul within the necessary time limit, and will ensure your safety as well as the others."

She allowed herself to be pulled in to the hug, and felt warmer, before stepping back.

"I'll begin the rune enchanting, you can get to work on the magical barriers needed and the items from the Department of Mysteries."

"Understood."

Harry began to place the obelisks and the ancient relics in intricate patterns, before sitting cross-legged in the middle of the circle he created.

"All done Harry." She gave him one last smile, "Good luck..."

"Goodbye, Hermoine..." The light around him grew brighter as the lines flared up, sending his soul into the past, "I'll miss you..."

And then he was gone.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

And now for something a little different...

A parody of all those time travel fics.

- J


	2. I have time to kill

**Harry Potter and the Convenient Plot Device to go Back in Time and Make Things Right**

**I have time to kill...**

**1991  
Mid-August****  
Little Whinging**

Harry Potter sat in his new room, Dudley's former toy room, and stared at all his books, and his snowy white owl.

"Hedwig, what do you think Hogwarts will be like?"

Receiving an untranslatable hoot in reply, he instead chose to pop a snack into her cage before returning to his bed to lie down.

That was supposed to happen, but instead he fell to the ground and began gasping, clutching his heart.

"Oww... It hurts...!"

Soon his body was wracked with twitches and convulsions, and his yells could be heard outside the room.

"Oi, quiet down!"

Vernon Dursley was currently watching his favourite television show, he never missed Coronation Street or Eastenders, and both were on one after another that evening.

Hedwig began to flap about in her cage, worried about her master, until he got up again.

"Wh-What?" He looked about, "Why am I back at the Dursleys? I thought I was somewhere else just now..."

He looked back and smiled, "Hedwig! Oh, I'm so glad to see you again!"

The owl hooted in confusion, wondering why he said that given they only knew each other for less than a month, and also how he hadn't left her side since.

"Here, have a snack, I'm sure you'll like it..."

Accepting the sweet, although he just gave one to her, she watched him closely as his mood moved from a happy to a serious one.

"Right, performing calculations..." He held out the wand and cast a basic Wingardium Leviosa on a quill lying on the bed, "As forecast, the Trace no longer applies to me, as my soul has passed the required mental age. However, my physical body still possesses the blood protection from my mother's death. Optimal conditions acquired."

Moving out of the room, he cast various protective and security spells, narrowed down to the basic boundary of the house, and not interfering with the Fidelius charm.

"I believe it is time to say hello to my 'family'."

Moving down the steps, the eleven year old walked tall with a confidence and power that did not befit his young age.

"What the hell was all that racket about upstairs?"

The first words that Harry had heard Vernon say in three years reminded him of the old past.

"Shut up." Harry pointed his wand and aimed it at the television, "Reducto."

Exploding outwards, showering him with glass and plastic, Vernon shouted in surprise and horror, spluttering nonsense.

"What is it Vernon? Are you -" Petunia came out drying a dish from the kitchen and dropped it, not bothering to catch it before it shattered.

"Hey! I can't play my games with all..." Dudley came in behind Harry and trailed off, "... that noise..."

Harry levelled his eyes at them, those green eyes no longer showing any emotion, positive or negative.

Petunia screamed as Harry moved into the the centre of the room unopposed, crushing more of the screen from the broken TV.

"I have erected several barriers around this property, so no one can hear you, or see through the windows, and neither can you escape, unless you have the basic skills required to be a wizard or witch, naturally you all possess no magical talent." Petunia was still screaming, drowning him out, so Harry straightened his arm and fired another spell, "Silencio!"

The comical visage of Petunia with her mouth open, hands on her cheeks, as she kept on with her silenced cry, only to realise her lack of voice, switching to another soundless scream because she couldn't speak.

"Much better, perhaps making it permanent would be of great benefit to me, or in fact anyone else in the world."

Her whitening face gave Harry pleasure, and his mild smile on his otherwise neutral face creeped them out.

"Now, as to the new rules of the house -"

"Rules?!" Vernon finally found the tiny bit of courage stored away from when he stood up against Hagrid in the small hut, and interrupted Harry, "There will be no such thing in -"

Lacerations appeared on Vernon's arms, face and legs, and he cried out in pain.

"I think you were about to say, 'MY' house, yes?" The nervous smile came back, and Vernon backed away from the wand. "You're lucky I'm only doing this much, even you lot don't deserve death..." His face changed once more, "You're going to meet a side of me that none of you will like... Piss him off too much, and, well, perhaps you'll be meeting my parents sooner than you think..."

Harry doubled-over forwards and nearly dropped the wand, only to look up from his pose, and grinned widely, the eyes open and frantic.

"Hehe... It worked... Time to play, children!"

The flashes of colourful light could not be seen outside, nor could the anguished sounds of three people scrambling to get away from one little boy.

**The next week**

"Get me more grub!" Harry shouted out from his stuffed mouth, spraying half-chewed food everywhere.

The wordless Petunia nodded shakily and moved back to the kitchen, preparing another portion for him.

"Oi, fattie, move about a bit, you're not making me comfortable!"

"S-Sorry..."

Vernon was on the floor, crouched on all fours, acting as a footrest while Harry ate in front of the TV.

As the smell of the food reached the cupboard, a whimpering was heard.

"I didn't ask to hear you, little piggy!" A gasp came in loud and clear, "You know what that means, don't you?"

The door to the cupboard under the stairs opened, as Harry smiled widely. The new rules were fairly harsh on the Dursleys, but he no longer cared for them. He had repaired all the damage from when he let loose a week ago, so there wasn't any mess to worry about.

None of the family were allowed upstairs any more, that was where Harry resided. Of course, this included all the bedrooms and the bathroom. Dudley had to stay in the cupboard at all times, except for the rare meals Harry allowed them, while Vernon and Petunia could at least sleep on the floor or sofa. If the adults needed to use the bathroom, Harry ordered them to do their business in the garden out the back. There was very little cover there, and they were sure that the neighbours saw them squatting behind the trees, so their humiliation was guaranteed.

The last order was that they never change their clothes, and that Harry would Scourgify or even Tergeo them whenever he felt that they stank too much.

Dudley was a special case though, he wasn't allowed to go near the garden for the toilet, instead he wore a pair of nappies to reflect his childishness.

"Good little Dudleykins!" Harry cooed him over the crazy gleam in his face, "Who's been a bad boy then?"

"I... I have..." He sucked his thumb, as this version of Harry liked him when he did that.

"Good boy..." He pointed to the ground, "Time for horsey!"

Crying, Dudley got on the ground, much like his father, and waited as Harry jumped on his, whacking his fat little legs.

"Forwards!"

Trying to keep the child happy, Dudley moved around the room, making neighing noises to please Harry, and went at a fairly fast speed.

Harry sniffed the air and frowned, "Oh dear, poor Diddums has made a poopoo..." Getting up, he looked at his aunt, "Petunia dear, would you be a doll and change ickle Dudwey's nappy for him?"

Opening her mouth, she said nothing, knowing that she would make no noise, and took Dudley's hand to change him in the kitchen.

Harry's grin fell and he changed his look at the shattered family.

"I'm going upstairs now, you have thirty minutes to eat." He continued after a short pause, "As you know, I'll be needing you to take me to King's Cross on the first of September, so you only have two more weeks of this."

Harry pointed a wand into the kitchen and muttered an unlocking curse to open the fridge, before going back to his floor.

Closing the large room where the parents of Dudley used to sleep, Harry lay down on the bed, closing his eyes before uttering a single spell, holding the wand above him, but pointed down at his body.

"Memnosyne Tribuna."

Instantly, Harry was inside his mind, and tried to re-organise the chaotic feel of the inner room surrounded in white light.

There were three distinct sections of the circular room. There was a small cuboid in the middle, with glass walls facing into it, and the remainder of the room was split into two parts, though one was slightly larger than the other.

One had the walls and furniture laden with photos of friends, family and victims from the olden days. The items here were very nostalgic to the owner, and were well loved by the look of them, a comfortable sofa to lie in, an armchair with a constantly refilling cup of tea or coffee on a table nearby, and a battered old television in the centre, replaying moments from the past. The wooden floorboards were borrowed from the cottage Harry resided in at one point to find Voldemort.

His appearance was also as he believed himself to be, so he envisioned himself as to be older at around his mid to late twenties, with only one arm and one real eye, his robes ragged and ripped from the years of travel and war. His right leg also was gone, but replaced with a magically created autonomous limb constructed from a combination of wood and metal, though it couldn't replace real flesh and blood.

But, he wasn't here to think of the past, he had to correct another side of him.

He looked on to another part of the room, which noticed with mild dread was encroaching into his own territory. There were no walls separating his side from the other, and he walked freely into the area he didn't wish to delve into for longer than necessary.

The floors were a disgusting shade of yellow and green, and were torn up in random areas. The fuchsia wallpaper was peeling to show the barren concrete behind them. Any useful furniture or items here were mostly broken, smashed or rendered useless in some form or other. However, that's not to say it didn't have its own charm. The scrawling of meaningless jumbles of writing on the walls and floors made in various life fluids and excreta, not having the facility to use normal pens, did give its owner, who thrashed about with one arm free, a way to express himself.

"Hello." Soldier!Harry spoke, "We need to talk."

"Oh?" The bloody grin from the other person grew wider, "But why? I'm having so much fun here!"

"That's exactly the reason." The elder Harry moved closer, imposing himself into his alter-ego's personal space, "Your idea of fun could ruin the plan."

Struggling with his straitjacket, Psycho!Harry only cackled louder. The chains and shackles tying him down were strong, though the ripped strip had somehow burst from its bindings, and that released arm indicated bad things were happening inside the head of Harry Potter. He looked like an eighteen year old version of Harry, when he left Hogwarts in the last year.

"Who cares about the plan?" He drooled copiously, getting some on the robes of the elder, "It's the same old shit we've read about for years... Go back in time, prepare everyone for a fight, make them lose their characters whilst on the route to an idealistic perfection, break those Horcruxes and kill mouldy Voldy!"

"You don't agree with the plan then I take it?" Soldier folded his arm across his chest to the inside of his robe, recalling that he didn't have the other arm to intertwine with.

"Who the hell cares about that bollocks?" Psycho spat on the ground, "I want to get out and let myself loose... So much prey..."

"This is what I was worried about..." Soldier turned around, knowing that he wouldn't be hurt from behind, since all the pain fed back into the originator, and ultimately into the very body they were in, "I hadn't taken everything into consideration when we removed the eighth Horcrux from our scar, using the remaining power within there to send us back." Soldier looked at Psycho, "You're the opposite of our last self, your influence is growing, expanding even into my mental region."

Psycho only sneered, "You're not using that space constructively, wallowing in your memories and few victories, never living for the now, might as well make it useful for me..."

"Keep out of there, or else I'll have to take measures against you..." Soldier uttered in a deadly tone, before facing the central room.

Psycho's evil grin faltered slightly, but he didn't lose it completely.

"There are ways to remove you, or restrict you, much like 'him'." Soldier stared through the central glass wall at the final occupant, before changing the subject, "Have you noticed any change in him?"

Psycho shuffled over, and planted his face in the window, making faces at the last person, though he knew the boy couldn't see or hear him, "He's the same as always, he doesn't know anything has changed... The Dursleys don't mess with him any more though, so he's confused at that."

"I expected as much." Soldier nodded in agreement, "I don't believe he'll change, but we need to keep an eye out for him, we can't have another influence affecting our decisions. He still can't remember what we do though, so that is a bonus, though both you and I know what he goes through when he's in control."

"What? This one-way mirror should become ten foot cement then?" Psycho chortled.

"Not yet, but we will see..."

Staring into the small room, they saw the image of a boy no older than four years old, wobbling about amongst his toys and playing with a small wand, casting basic floating spells on the cuddly bears, giggling at the way they bounced off the mirrors around him. He was permanently happy, not caring what was happening around him or knowing that there was more to him than he knew. Child!Harry was oblivious to any change around him when he was out, and as such did not suffer any problems of the past.

Soldier moved away and went back to his room, "I will see you later, but do not hinder me, or else you will face consequences.

Psycho just cackled, "Whatever you say, Dark Lord Potter the Third!"

Ignoring the insane talk, Soldier sat in his armchair and TV blinked on, showing more events from the past. Luna and Neville killing Bellatrix and themselves by turning the surroundings to a corroding dust; Moody and Shacklebolt against Lucius and Runcorn, taking down Big Ben in the process.

His calm face never flinched as he relived the past moments.

**September 1****st  
King's Cross station**

"I can't believe it... We're here!"

Harry was delighted at being at the gate, and the surprising way the Dursleys were treating him.

"You didn't have to buy me that ice cream, I wasn't hungry you know..."

"We... We just don't want to suffer any more..." Petunia spoke, the first time in days since she last heard her own voice.

"Huh? What do you mean?" Harry scratched his head, confused.

The Dursleys had seen the different sides of Harry, and figured that this was the kindest, if not most naïve and innocent of all the rules that were imposed. They also knew that this version didn't remember anything of the cruelty the other forms inflicted.

"Nothing..." Petunia continued, pulling on the lead unconsciously.

"Why's Dudley tied up like that?"

Harry was pointing at the leash attached to Dudley, with special straps around his arms, body and legs, much like those for a toddler.

Vernon's smile shook, "It's nothing important... Which platform's your train leaving from?"

"Uhh..." Pulling out his ticket he spoke, "Nine and three quarters..." He looked up at the numbers, "Where is that one?"

The Dursleys glanced at each other, "There isn't a platform by that number..."

Harry's puzzled gaze retreated inside and his passive expression took place, "Follow me."

Knowing that this was the person in charge, the Dursleys wordlessly stuck close to Harry as he walked up to the hidden door, walking through it completely without a pause. As they were the ones pushing the trolley with Hedwig and the cases, they went through the same opening to be faced with a classical red steam engine and a bussle of people.

Taking the trolley from them, Harry steered it to one of the doors, and took onto the carriage he was going on, finding an empty compartment there. He left the train and spotted the Dursleys staring at everything in wonder.

Sharply, Harry stood up tall and pointed his wand at them, not caring who saw, and blocking out the murmuring of curious parents and students.

He stalked towards them, pushing them away from the train and against the wall opposite.

"I have tolerated your presence in my life for many years, and I will not stand for any more." The tip of his wand was lighting up, as the built up anger inside displayed itself, "I trust you will not make the same mistakes twice." He looked Dudley, "A child you may be but you act too much like a baby, grow up a bit, and maybe you will be able to stop being treated like one. Perhaps only then will you have my respect." He glared at Vernon and Petunia, another sign of his inner anger, "If you try to hide, I will find you; if you try to run, I will chase you; if you try to get help, I will kill you."

The last part Harry spoke quietly, but low enough for them to hear, but given that they both squeezed up against the wall further meant that they got the message.

"You remember what I told you about Christmas?" Petunia nodded, whilst Vernon just mumbled something in the positive, "Good... Now get out of here. I'm sick of the sight of you."

Almost leaping away, they ploughed through the doorway to the Muggle train station, and Harry made his way onto the Hogwarts Express.

"Did you see that?" Harry overheard people talking outside the train as he sat in his compartment.

"Yeah... That guy was really laying in to his family."

Harry grit his teeth, and gripped his wand tighter, before his satisfied grin returned. He drew his eyes to the window and stared out at the pupils, some of whom shirked away from his wild eyes.

"Hogwarts..." Harry took out his wand and began to chant a nonsensical phrase, "Hoggy Hoggy Warts..."

"Sorry..." The door opened, "Is this room taken? The others are full..."

"Ahh... We finally meet..." Harry gestured grandly to the seat opposite him, "Please, sit down my friend."

"Oookay..." The boy sat down nervously, unused to the peculiar greeting, "Were those people your parents back there?"

"Those bastards?" Harry twisted his face in disgust and brought his wand out, "No... They were just my pathetic uncle and aunt who had to take care of me, but they failed to do a good job." Harry began giggling to himself, wiping his face with his free hand, "You can't imagine what I've been through all these years... The pain, the torture..."

"Boy, you sound like you went through some tough times..." He shook his head and smiled sheepishly, "Sorry, I haven't introduced myself, my name's Ronald Weasley, but everyone calls me Ron."

Harry nodded in reply and laid back into his chair and casually whipped out the wand to one side to open his trunk, grabbing a wallet from inside it.

Ron had noticed that the person didn't give his name, "Umm, and what's your name?"

Harry looked up, as if he just noticed him for the first time, "Sorry, I don't want to give my name." His smile cracked wider, "It'll just create more problems that I can't fix, but I'm sure you'll find it out soon enough." Harry pulled out several Sickles and one Galleon, seeing Ron's eyes get bigger, "Oh, do you want some? I've got plenty, and it's not like I'm using it all."

"Wh-What?!" Ron's ears turned bright red, and he looked out the window, "I... I can't do that! I don't need it!"

"Oh, really? you're not poor then?" Harry's eyes passed over Ron's second-hand robes, and the red spread to his cheeks as he became flustered.

"Th-That's none of your business!" Ron stood up, furious that Harry was insulting his family so easily.

"Heh..." Harry chuckled, "Well, not having money doesn't mean that you're a bad person, in fact I don't particularly care about it. I've been poor all my life until I found out about my background."

Ron sat down, understanding that he was somehow apologising in his own way.

The trundling of a trolley caught their attention, "Anything from the food cart?"

"Yeah, gimme the lot!" Harry's smile showed more teeth than necessary, as he was looking forward to wizard food for the first time in a while.

The smile became a more astonished one, as he changed to an innocent look, "Wow, chocolate frogs, and yucky sweets!" He tried a yellow bean and found it to be nice, "Mmm, custard!"

Ron frowned at how the strange boy opposite him was acting, but took it in his stride, "Yeah, they have almost any flavour in them, you've got to be careful."

"Cool!" Harry bit into another and grimaced, "Eww, this one's something like mushroom."

Ron grinned and then pulled out his sandwiches from home. Noticing his mood darkening over the basic meal, Harry held out some cauldron cakes, "Here, help yourself to some, I don't why I bought so many..."

"Yeah, right..." Ron mumbled to himself as he bit into his sandwich.

"Huh, what do you mean by that?" Harry asked, surprised at the tone of voice.

"You just bought that to show off!" Ron stood up, his half-eaten corned beef falling out onto the floor of the cabin.

"I... No, I didn't..." Harry looked around at it, feeling a lot humbler, "I don't know about you, but I'm hungry, didn't have any food before coming here."

Ron sulked and ate the bare bread, then after a few minutes of silence grabbed a chocolate frog.

"Ahh, I got another Dumbledore, I wanted Agrippa..."

"Isn't he the headmaster of the school?" Harry asked, looking up over his pack of sweets.

'Yeah, he's really famous, probably the best wizard alive my mum says."

"Wow..." Harry looked at the card, then blinked as the image scratched his nose.

"So, your family wizards then?" Ron asked, knowing that asking for his name had moved on to a different stage.

"Well, I heard my parents were, but they died when I was a baby. I've been living with my relatives since then, they're Muggles."

"Oh..." Ron raised his eyebrows, "But you've been using magic here, how did you know the spells?"

Harry thought back, but then recalled his charm to open the chest, though the memory was a bit foggy, "Ah, yeah I just read the books quickly."

The door to the carriage opened and a nervous looking boy popped his head in, "Excuse me, have either of you seen my toad, Trevor?"

They both shook their heads, "We'll keep a look out for it." Harry replied happily.

The boy left sheepishly and the room returned to quiet.

Munching through more of the snacks, they didn't speak to each other until two things happened at once. A rat climbed out of Ron's pocket and Ron's wand popped out.

"My brother taught me a spell to change his colour." Ron didn't get a chance to react as Harry lunged for the rat, picking it up by its tail.

"Cool!" He was gleeful, "I've always wanted a rat, but they always died after a few weeks with me. Mind you, this one's been through the wars though, it's missing a toe. It'd be great if it could tell us the stories it's been through."

"Hey, give me back Scabbers!" Ron reached out to grab him, but Harry was too fast and pulled away, holding it in a single clenched hand.

"Oh come on, a little look and poke never hurt anyone."

As he was saying this, he was poking the squeaking rat, as it struggled to get away from the boy, whose staring eyes held a great deal of instability in them. Sensing Ron's increasing anger, Harry pouted.

"Fine have it your way..." He threw the rat up above and pointed his wand at it, "Wingardium Leviosa."

Scabbers couldn't move as he floated softly towards Ron's outstretched hands, before immediately hiding inside his robes, away from the crazy boy.

"You're mad, you know that?!" Ron's red face was funny to Harry, his smirk leaking through, but he didn't rile him up further.

"Sorry, I just get a little over-excited, it's my first time in the wizarding world, you know how it is."

"No I don't!" Ron yelled, "I've been living with my family like that years, and nobody acts like you."

Harry shrugged, "Perhaps you're just not looking in the right places then."

The door opened and Harry's smirk turned to an outright leer, "Oh... And who might you be?" He began.

A bushy-haired girl had entered with the boy from earlier, "This is Neville Longbottom, I'm Hermione Granger by the way, has anyone seen his toad?"

Ron spoke first, "No, he'd already been here and we haven't seen one."

"Oh well..." She looked to him, "I'm sure he'll turn up, don't worry." Neville wandered off, his worry evident on his face.

She saw Harry with his wand out and was intrigued, wondering what he was going to do.

"Ooh, are you doing magic? Can I see?"

"Course you can Hermy, sit right down."

Her thin eyebrows furrowed, "Why did you call me that?"

"Why not? It's easier than saying 'Hermione' all the time."

"But still..." She sat down net to Ron, "It's not polite to just make up a nickname, and I don't like it anyway..." Her face flushed for some reason, and Harry leapt on the chance.

"Ahh, I get it now, you were teased in primary school like that, weren't you." Her shocked face only confirmed it for him, "Well, I'm not teasing you, call it a term of affection."

He starting waving the wand lazily, and pointed it at a bean that fell earlier and had rolled over to the door.

"Accio!"

The bean leapt up and flew at him, being caught by his hand. Hermione was suitably impressed, despite her misgivings about him called her by that name, "I've read about those. That's a summoning charm isn't it? We would learn that in the fourth year."

"Yeah..." Harry shrugged idly, "I thought I'd try it, and it worked, I must be better than I thought."

"Who are you? You must have had some wizard blood in you."

"He wouldn't tell me..." Ron spoke, and Hermione only just acknowledged him for the first time, "Sorry, Ron Weasley."

Staring at Harry curiously, she looked at his confident pose, smirk and traced something on his forehead beneath mop of unruly hair, before gasping.

"But, you're Harry Potter, aren't you? You're famous!"

"Am I?" Harry mused out loud, "Poor old Voldy got what he deserved, didn't he?" Harry's wild eyes lost a bit of their craziness, "Though my parents died, probably trying to save me."

"Wait, you're Harry Potter?" Ron asked tentatively, "Why didn't you say so?"

"Does knowing my name and my background make any difference, Ron. What about you Hermy?"

Her face twitched when he said her nickname, but she spoke on regardless, "No, of course not. A name does not make a person."

"Well said, girlie." Harry grinned wider, looking at her up and down, reliving the moments from that period in the past.

Hermione folded her arms over her robes, distinctly aware of how Harry was looking at her, and she felt greatly uncomfortable from the roving eyes.

Ron decided to cover up the awkwardness with some news, "My dad told me someone broke into a vault at Gringotts recently."

Harry didn't really react to the news, already knowing about from the previous time. Ron baulked at how uninformed he was, and continued to explain how it was impossible to break into a vault anyway.

"Well, if it's empty, who cares about the bloody robbery?" Harry spoke back at a flustered Ron.

"Harry, that's not very nice!" Hermione scolded him, her hair turning a little frizzier on the edges, "I didn't know about how difficult it is to steal from Gringotts." She huffed and folded her arms, "Apologise to Ron."

Harry creaked his head to one side, seemingly fascinated by her bossiness, "Whatever you say, your Highness." He bowed lightly to her before turning to Ron, "Sorry about what I said Ron."

"S'okay..." He muttered, not fully accepting the apology.

"So, who's in this one then?" The cabin door was flung open by a person flanked by two people.

Frowning at the interruption, Ron and Hermione stared inquisitively at them, but all attention turned to Harry, who clutched at his face. Hand clasped over the upper part, he glared at the blonde boy from between his splayed fingers, and his mouth only widened.

A small trickle of blood crept out from the side of his mouth.

"Malfoy..."

He wiped the blood away with his sleeve.

"I don't recall giving you my name." Draco narrowed his eyelids as Crabbe and Goyle beside him close the door, so that all six were inside the cabin together.

"Nor you should, Malfoy..." Harry sneered, and his wild face only contorted further, scaring Ron and Hermione, but also slightly freaking out the three Slytherin-to-be students.

Like Hermione, he searched the forehead and found what he was looking for, "So, you're Harry Potter. My father had heard rumours that you'd be coming to Hogwarts this year, though no one could be certain." Ron scoffed, but Draco switched targets to him, "Given your lower class clothing, and ginger hair, I'd say a Weasley has no place in this conversation." Moving back to Harry, he smiled amicably, "You'll learn that some families are better than others, Potter, let me help you make the right choice." He held out his hand.

Harry looked down at the hand, then to Ron and Hermione, before grinning again. He stood up and accepted the handshake, much to the other two's disgust.

Breathing out a long breath, Harry released the hand and stared coldly at Draco, whose face faltered at seeing the sudden change in emotions.

"Yes, Draco." The neutral voice held a hidden anger, but it wasn't shown other than a tremulous heat filling the room, "Some families are better than others, the pure bloods are especially good, namely those ones who joined Lord Voldemort." Everyone except Hermione shirked back at the name, "His closest followers were known as Death Eaters, were they not?"

Draco, Crabbe and Goyle grew darker.

"I do believe that your families were members, or was my information incorrect?"

"Wrong, Potter! My father is very well respected in the Ministry -"

"Yes, those hundreds of Galleons probably do help that opinion."

Harry began murmuring something to himself, scaring Draco from retorting to the earlier accusation.

"Wh-What are you doing?"

Harry didn't stop and held out his right hand straight up, the little finger and ring finger clenched. From within his robes, Draco's wand flew into Harry's extended hand, between the straight index and middle fingers.

"That was Eastern magic, though most Muggles would see it as ninja skills, not that your close-minded mentality would recognise any magic outside that of this country." He held the procured wand at the door and spoke, "Muffliato." He felt the magic leave the wand correctly, and was glad that it functioned from the capture.

"Give me back my wand, Potter, I'm warning you!" Crabbe and Goyle flexed their childlike muscles.

"Then that will be your last warning, Draco." He pointed at the door, gesturing to lower the blind and spoke again, "Colloportus." The sound of a powerful glue sticking echoed as the door sealed against intruders. He repeated the spell on the window, near where Ron and Hermione had pressed themselves against the wall in utter fear.

Draco backed away, knowing that something was dreadfully wrong, "Wh-What are you going to do to me?"

"Nothing much," Harry controlled the wand like conducting an orchestra, casting a multitude of spells on the area, "just making you and your goons live up to the 'Death Eater' name." Harry pointed the wand at Draco, "My only regret, though you should be thankful, is that it doesn't hurt."

Draco's scream went unheard outside of the confines of the room, same with those of Crabbe, Goyle, Ron and Hermione.

Green flashes and white light streamed out of the window over the tracks as the Hogwarts Express passed by a small forest, the distant castle visible against the setting sun.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

And thus the parody has begun.

Though, technically I would call this a 'serious parody', in the sense that it it does parody many of the time travel fics, but that I do have a plot and major events to occur to mess things up.

Do give me your opinion on the story thus far.

- J


	3. Sorting out the troublemakers

**fHarry Potter and the Convenient Plot Device to go Back in Time and Make Things Right**

**Sorting out the troublemakers**

**Later that evening**

"... unprecedented. I can't understand your allowing this distressing event to not postpone the introduction of the first years into the school."

"Minerva, as you know, the opening ritual is a magically enforced ceremony, and to not go through with it will only lock each and every room of the castle, even to me."

"I still find it highly unlikely that Mr Malfoy would have had enough magical energy to produce enough power to produce the Killing Curse, let alone his compatriots. I still believe that Harry Potter has played a part in this."

"Thank you Severus, I'm aware of your misgivings, however I will not rule that out just yet." There was a short pause here, "Despite these tragic events, there are still going to be three very traumatised children that survived, and we must do our best to help them through this difficult time, isn't that right Mr Potter?"

Harry groaned, his eyes flickering as he opened them slowly, the medicine still coursing through his veins, and he sat up to see three adults staring at him, a kindly old man with twinkling eyes, a concerned but strict looking woman, and finally a hook-nosed man with greasy hair.

"Uhh..." He held his head, still feeling a little dizzy, "What happened to me?"

"Excuse me, Headmaster..." A nurse bustled by him and smiled at Harry, "Here you go, my dear... Drink this, it'll bring your energy back up."

"Umm..." Harry drank, but was gazing into her face curiously, "Sorry, but who are you?"

"I'm Madam Pomfrey..." She tended to his body, checking out every joint in his body briefly with her wand, "Healer of Hogwarts..."

"Hogwarts..." He turned to the man with the long white beard, "Am I at school then?"

"That is correct Harry." He nodded and smiled gently, "My name is Professor Dumbledore, the headmaster."

"Why am I in hospital?"

The sallow-faced man rolled his eyes, "Headmaster, it would be worthless to question the boy now, he is clearly Confounded if he believes this to be a primitive Muggle hospital."

"Indeed, I was not planning on forcing the poor boy to recall these memories just yet. This is Harry's first day of school."

Harry looked down at him, and saw that he was wearing his robes already, presumably someone had dressed him when he was unconscious.

"Am I in trouble?" Harry asked, his face contorting in confusion.

"Not at all, Harry." Dumbledore held out a hand, "The rest of the school is waiting for you to join the first years in preparation for you to join one of our school houses."

"A-Am I the only one left?"

Sensing his worry, Dumbledore shook his head slowly, "No, we postponed it until you were fit to meet them."

"Okay..." Harry got up, and felt his legs waver a little before strengthening, "I think I'm okay..."

The older woman nodded briefly before striding out, beckoning Harry to follow her. Within minutes they were outside a pair of large double doors, where a large number of children were waiting, looking worried and confused.

"I am Professor McGonagall, deputy headmistress to Hogwarts. After this incident, we will shortly enter the Great Hall, and you will face your first test for entering our school."

She encouraged Harry to go into the group, where he met Ron and Hermione near the front, "Hey you two..." He was bright, "What happened?"

"What, you mean you don't remember?" Ron asked in wonder, before grinning, "I'm not bloody surprised, stuff like that doesn't happen every day..."

"Ron, leave Harry alone!" Hermione cautioned him, her eyes rolling dramatically, "Can't you see he's trying to forget about it?"

"Sorry..." Ron mumbled.

Harry blinked at this, not understanding what they were talking, and was about to press them before the doors swung inwards, and McGonagall strode in, her footsteps echoing in the cavernous room.

Shuffling after her, the nervous energy of the children was spreading to the seated students. Harry looked up to see the ceiling shone with stars, but the banners hanging down were all black. He idly wondered why as McGonagall explained about the Sorting Hat.

As the names were called up, he saw Hermione step up anxiously and be sorted into Gryffindor. When his name was spoken, the hall began to murmur loudly, again he didn't know why, but his happy face shone as he approached the talking hat.

However, the moment it went on his head, he felt his head explode and lurched forward in pain.

"My, my... What have we here? An interesting case indeed..."

"So you know..." The steel determined voice came from Harry in a whisper, so that only the hat could hear.

"Of course I do, I was made to judge people by the four founders' principles. How else can I do that without delving into the mind?"

"Then... where are you going to put me you rejected rag of clothing?" The cackling smile reappeared beneath the rim.

"There are only four choices, and you fit all of them, but only one will be suitable."

Harry's face went through a horrid twisting as the three personalities fought to gain control. Moving from a happy innocent smile filled with amazement at the talking hat, to narrowed eyelids with a killing stare and thin lips, and then to wide flitting eyeballs with teeth baring. To all the pupils watching, they were both intrigued and repulsed at the image.

"There's no option left..."

The Hat cleared his throat as Harry grit his teeth, muttering under his breath, "No, no, no, no..."

"SLYTHERIN!"

The room was battered by four simultaneous explosions.

The first was the roar and cheers that rose up from the Slytherin table, gloating about 'getting Potter', though some hisses also came from that region too.

The second was the cry of agony from the other three tables, though Gryffindor was especially loud, believing that Harry would have joined them given the history with his parents.

Another came from the teachers table, where McGonagall and the seething man bolted to their feet and accidentally slamming the table in front of them, both displaying varying emotions of shock and astonishment. Between them, a man with a turban flinched remarkably, falling backwards from the sudden movement.

Nevertheless, these didn't compare to the scream of outrage as Harry hurled the laughing Sorting Hat into the air as his face of fury was red with the light that was now glowing from the tip of his wand, aiming a fiery curse for the article of clothing, the words to incant on his tongue.

"Harry..."

The powerful, yet calming voice of Dumbledore reverberated throughout the Great Hall, sending the room into silence at the same time.

Harry's eyes mellowed to their neutral gaze, and he lowered the wand to stare at the headmaster.

"The Sorting Hat chooses the best house for you. Despite your misgivings, you should at least accept its answer." The Sorting Hat flew gently back onto the seat Harry vacated, "It would also be saddening to see the Sorting end with you, as that Hat is unique and impossible to recreate it after the burning you would have given it."

Harry put his wand away into his robes, suitably mollified, but remembering the wisdom Dumbledore held in his previous life.

"Yes Professor Dumbledore, I understand completely..."

He spoke truthfully and cursed himself under his breath for losing the self-control he had built up for the past ten years or so.

Stalking over to the Slytherin table, the once happy students were now shirking away from the malevolent aura Harry gave off, and he sat with a full two-person gap around him, with no one sitting opposite.

McGonagall coughed once and spoke the next name, bringing back the relative calm of before, though the tension of what transpired before never really evaporated. Through his tunnel vision of rage, Harry barely caught Ron being sorted in Gryffindor.

"Now, before we begin the feast, I would like all of you to remember the loss of three of our potential students, who died tragically on the Hogwarts Express today. Our noble house banners have been replaced for this one day for the lives of Draco Malfoy, Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle."

Harry's grin grew wider as the hall quietened in mourning.

**Later that night****  
Slytherin Dormitory**

In the dungeons, the rooms of the Slytherin students lay, and Harry Potter currently had one room all to himself. Given that two rooms in both the male and female quarters each year were opened up for the new first years, out of the five remaining male students, none of them chose to stay with Harry, which suited him fine.

Once he was left alone, he cast a few detecting spells for any watching eyes, traps or just curious pets. Satisfied that nothing was there with him, and using a different spell to the previous one in the cabin room, he sealed the door.

Lying on his bed, Harry set his face in stone, and pointed the wand at himself.

**At that moment**

"You." Soldier pointed across the room.

"Who, me?" Psycho grinned widely, both arms now free of their bindings, as he skipped in the mental realm.

"Yes." Soldier pulled out a wand, one that was as battered as him, "You have destroyed all the plans. How are we going to kill Voldemort now from within Slytherin?"

Psycho bounded across several parts of the room, crossing in to the old memories of Soldier.

"Feh... As if I give a shit about your pathetic plans. I don't care what happens, so long as I have some fun, maybe get myself a bit of action..." His face leered as he thought of the previous conquests.

"Dumbledore is sure to interrogate us tomorrow, and he will be interested in knowing why we knew so much about Slytherin."

"Bah, we have the backup..." Psycho thumbed over his shoulder at Child, who was still in his playpen, "Just implant that memory you created and Bumblebore won't know what hit him." Psycho laughed loudly, "Besides, with the amount of manipulating you're planning, maybe the Hat was right to put us in Slytherin."

"Say that again, and I will cause you pain..." Soldier glowered.

Psycho stood in his hunched pose, like a tiger about to lunge for its prey, "I'd like to see you try, old man."

Soldier though about it, but turned around in disgust, "No, we need to be ready for tomorrow, Severus might slip us Veritaserum, we can't be certain."

"I told you we should've offed him from the beginning, but noooo, we had to get rid of Malfoy and his goons. Daddy won't be pleased, how are you going to greet him?"

Soldier turned around with a thin smile, "I have one idea that should work."

Psycho nodded eagerly, like an obedient pet, "Good, good, I look forward to it."

Soldier hardened his gaze, "Don't keep control for too long, your actions might upset things even more. I'll be creating the ideal memories for Child, just stay out of trouble. After Dumbledore sees us, we'll get the Diadem."

"So soon?" Psycho stopped his fidgeting for a second, "Are you insane, that plan might kill us, have you thought about that?"

"Yes, a great deal, but as the saying goes, 'What's the worse that could happen?'"

Psycho was about to say something before Child patted the window with mild curiosity, causing both of them to turn sharply.

"That's the first time..."

Soldier strode over to the one-way mirror and placed his hand opposite Child, who sensed the warmth and giggled, following the hand as Soldier moved his own to the left.

"This has already gone on long enough. Child has acknowledged my existence, and his boundaries. Soon he will break down that barrier, and what then?"

Psycho was picking his nose, flicking the bogeys at the glass, "Buggered if I know, the apocalypse?"

Soldier glared at him once more, "We will talk again, until then, keep out of my business."

"Yes, my Lord." Psycho curtseyed mockingly as Soldier left the mental realm.

**Back in the dormitory**

Harry opened his eyes, and checked his watch, seeing that an hour had gone by.

"The timeline is already shattered, so from here on, the unknown variables would increase. Therefore by adhering to events that already occurred, it wouldn't help due to the changes." He sat up and opened his trunk, "I must sort out the biggest threat here, before moving on."

He stared at the objects inside, and shut the lid, allowing himself to drift off to sleep.

**Next day  
Headmaster's Office**

"Please recount what happened in your cabin Harry."

The happy child seemed sad and began to speak of the events.

**The day before**

"So, who's in this one then?" The cabin door was flung open by a person flanked by two people.

Frowning at the interruption, Ron and Hermione stared inquisitively at them, only for their faces to become sinister.

"I see, we've found him at last."

The three boys strode in and closed the door behind them, one of the boys muttering a spell, locking the door.

"Who are you?" Harry asked, thinking that this was a little unusual for a welcome for new students.

"My names Malfoy." He held out a wand and pointed it at Harry's face, "Not that it matters, Potter, you'll be dead soon."

Confused, Harry also pulled out his wand, Ron and Hermione moving back into the corner.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh Potter... Haven't you ever wondered where that scar came from?" Draco, grinned as Crabbe and Goyle were casting difficult to hear spells beneath their breath.

"My... scar?"

"Why yes, Potter. Your scar is proof that you killed the Dark Lord, the man who killed your parents!"

"B-but..." Harry's wand arm was shaking.

"No time to pray, Potter," Crabbe and Goyle at this time had both aimed their wands at Harry too, "This time, we're going to finish you off for good this time."

Draco and his two bodyguards were speaking identical words, and Harry held his wand tighter.

"No!"

**Present Day**

"... and that was all I remember Professor."

"I see, I thank you for reliving what must have been a traumatic experience, Harry." He gestured with his wand and produced a small glass of Butterbeer, "Here, drink this, it will help you to relax."

"Thank you, Professor."

Harry drank it and enjoyed the mild texture as it travelled to his stomach, "But, why did I survive? I thought I was dead..."

"Well, that's one of the most remarkable things, Harry." He looked to the boy's robes, "Would you mind if I cast a spell on your wand, just to see if my guess was correct?"

"Okay then..." Harry produced and handed it over.

"Priori Incantato."

A silvery globe the size of a crystal ball appeared from the tip of Harry's wand, and Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes, as I thought. Somehow, you produced a shield charm, and a powerful one at that. Though the Protego charm only protects mild jinxes and hexes, you somehow deflected three Killing curses back at their owners."

"Killing Curses?" Harry asked, looking slightly grim.

"Yes Harry." Dumbledore sighed, "Magic is an amazing subject to study, however there are sides to it that are to do with the Dark Arts." He looked into Harry's scared eyes, "As you now know, your parents were victims of this curse, though you are the only one who survived it. Please don't be alarmed." He added after seeing Harry's face change, "At Hogwarts, you are as safe as can be. Though those three unfortunate boys attempted this, they failed and died. So far, only you, Mr Weasley, Miss Granger and a select few teachers know exactly what happened in that cabin."

"But, I haven't done anything to hurt anybody..." Harry sniffed, his innocence leaving him for a second.

"Harry, it's good to be afraid, but never forget that the present is now. Fear paralyses you from doing anything in life. You alone are innocent in this, and you have nothing to fear."

The door to Dumbledore's office was rapped on impatiently as he looked up at it, "Ahh, I see our guest has arrived much earlier than expected. Come in!"

The door burst open and in strode a snobbish face with cruel eyes, the platinum blonde hair wallowing in the short breeze it took from the four steps to reach Dumbledore's desk.

"Dumbledore, my son is dead. You will pay for this, the Board of Governors -"

"-Will do nothing at all, Lucius. I have your son's wand here, and had it examined by three of our most skilled teachers, myself added on top of that. There is no doubt that the Killing Curse came from your son's wand."

Lucius become white with either shock or rage, but he was stony in his silence.

"Vincent and Gregory's wands were too badly damaged to reconstruct their previous spells, perhaps due to the effective deflection of young Harry here."

Following Dumbledore's hand movement, Lucius faltered at seeing Harry staring up at him in confusion.

"My son... He could not have produced the power for that spell, Dumbledore, surely you know this..."

"That may be so, Lucius, but after testimony from Ronald and Miss Granger, and of course Harry here, I am forced to agree that he did, as well as a plethora of other spells to avoid detection."

Lucius took the broken wand from Dumbledore and his lips thinned, his eyes growing watery.

"Mr Malfoy..." Harry spoke for the first time, "I... I'm sorry... I just didn't want to die..." He sniffed, "I didn't mean to..."

Lucius stared into Harry's eyes, anger visible as well as disbelief, but he turned quickly and reached the door, before speaking again, "You will not hear the end of this Dumbledore. I will have you removed before you know it."

"Very well Lucius, I will await your letters with patience."

The father of Draco left and Dumbledore sighed, sitting back down at his desk, "Harry, I believe it's time for your first lesson with Minerva. I will accompany you to the class if you feel up to lessons."

"Yes sir..." Harry nodded, "I think I need to get my mind off these things and busy myself with other topics."

"A very mature answer, Harry, but make sure you aren't just storing these feelings up within you to be unleashed at another time when you least expect them."

He nodded again but didn't say anything in reply.

**Later that day  
Lunchtime**

The students were filing into the Great Hall, which was now growing louder from the students rushing from lessons that were on higher levels.

Harry walked in calmly after his interesting lesson where McGonagall had turned from a cat to her human form. That class was shared with the Ravenclaw students, and he noticed how the Slytherin pupils constantly tried to stop them from transfiguring a piece of paper into a sheet of tinfoil.

Shifting as he moved into the hall, he grinned as he ignored the people with robes of green markings and sat on a table with a large number of yellow and orange colours. The noise around him reduced rapidly and he only laughed.

"What? Am I not allowed to eat here or something?"

"Not really, Potter..." A tall boy with ginger hair and a badge with a 'P' on it came closer.

"Why, am I not allowed to talk to my friends then?"

Having caught them trying to edge away from him, Harry managed to grab Ron and Hermione around their necks, pulling them closer from his blind spot. They didn't seem too happy, especially Hermione as Harry's hand was drifting a little further down than necessary.

"Well... I suppose, if Ron is okay with it."

Ron was nodding frantically, however it was unlikely he was agreeing to it whole-heartedly, as he was lacking air to breathe in given the strong grip of Harry.

Releasing them, Harry sat opposite them, and begrudgingly the Gryffindors budged up to give him room.

"So... Dumbledore spoke to you then, huh?" Ron asked idly whilst stabbing a piece of chicken from the middle.

"Yeah, I told him what I could remember, it was just weird how they tried to kill me."

Hermione moved closer, knowing that few people knew about it, "But, you produced really advanced magic, you know?" She nodded, "I read up on it, I think it was the Protego Charm."

"Yeah, that's what the old man said..." Harry waved it off and grabbed some Yorkshire puddings, layering gravy on it, "Still, it doesn't matter, they're dead, and I'm alive."

"Harry!" Hermione was horrified, "How can you say that?! That's horrible, they're -"

"They tried to kill me, Hermione." Harry spoke in a deadly tone, but his eyes were still crazy, "I doubt they would let you and Ron live either, no witnesses you understand?"

"I know the Malfoy family..." Ron mumbled between swallows, "They were one of You-Know-Who's followers, fans of the Dark Arts." He shook his head, "My father, he works in the Ministry, said that they claimed they were Imperiused, and forced to do those things."

"But still..." Hermione pouted, "Killing is bad, and it's always sad when someone dies."

"That's true, but when your own parents were killed, you tend to be glad you're alive." Harry took a big gulp of water, gasping after the cool liquid refreshed him.

"They probably would've been sorted in Slytherin," Ron continued, "You-Know-Who came from there, and there's not been a wizard or witch who wasn't bad that didn't come from that house."

"Oh?" Harry raised an eyebrow and paused in his movement, "Are you saying that I'm going to be evil then?"

"N-No!" Ron waved his hands, shuddering at the same time, "You're just, odd... I can't quite say."

"Yeah, you're a little strange, but I wouldn't say you were bad..." Hermione interjected helpfully.

"Mmm... I like compliments from you..." Harry narrowed his eyelids with an agenda, but only succeeding in send shivers down their backs, before devouring three roast potatoes.

Ron grew gloomier as the lunch hour approached its end, "Next lesson is potions, and we're sharing with the Slytherins."

"So, what's wrong with them?" Harry shrugged, "They're annoying, but I can deal with them my own way." His maniacal grin lit up as he withdrew his wand.

"My brothers said that the head of Slytherin teaches potions..."

Harry's face became a lot cooler, "That will not be a problem, I believe I know how to deal with Severus..."

He folded his hands beneath his nose, thinking deeply, whilst Ron and Hermione watched him carefully.

**Lower Dungeons**

The room was bustling with activity, Gryffindor students were mumbling to one another, the rumours having already spread to all of them about who would be teaching them. The Slytherins were gloating over what would be their best lesson, but some of them were huddled together pointing over at the Gryffindor portion of the room.

This was due to Harry Potter, who was again sitting with Gryffindors and grinning widely at Ron and Hermione, looking forward to the lesson.

"Harry, I don't think the Slytherins will be happy if you stay near us all the time." Hermione whispered to him.

"Bah, who cares about those little shits!" He replied a little too loudly, drawing their attention, "I'll remind them who's boss when I get back."

Hermione was about to shout at him for the language, before the door burst open, and in walked the man who reminded Harry of an oily bat.

He gave his introduction speech, and all the while Harry was grinning, his eyes flitting from the man's robe, to his hands, his books, and the whole area around Snape.

At the point of when he mentioned the 'select few' who would be good in his subject, he glanced at Harry, then raised his eyebrow at seeing the boy's expression.

"Something funny, Mr Potter?"

"Oh, not really," He was looking intently at his head, "I was just wondering, could bodily fluids be used in potions?"

Snape moved his head back, mildly surprised at such a curious question, "Yes, undoubtedly, blood can be used in select potions, not to mention actual parts such as hair used in the Polyjuice Potion. Why the question, Mr Potter?"

"Oh, I understand now, that's why you're producing your own hair grease, it must be truly valuable for you to have your own factory from your very own DNA. You must produce a hundred gallons a day, right?"

The class went deathly silent, and Snape took a step closer, his face turning a mild form of peach, a great difference from his usual pale white skin.

"What did you say, Potter?"

Hermione was red with indignation, yet Ron appeared to be suffering a fit, holding back his laughter. Most of the other Gryffindors were the same; even some of the Slytherins were choking from it all, despite the majority that glared at Harry with anger.

"Sorry sir, perhaps I wasn't clear enough..." Harry folded his arms and leant back in his seat, placing his feet loudly on the potion counter in front of him, unsettling the components for the coming potion, "I called you a stinky, greasy, git... Oh wait, I didn't mention that you stank of shit, I thought it was your natural body odour. Then again, it could be the ingredients in front of us -"

"ENOUGH!"

The desk banged from a spell fired by Snape, his nostrils flaring up enough to see the dark hairs inside peeking out. As the counter bounced up from the impact, Harry's balance was lost, and he fell backwards.

"You will stand and face me, Potter! Twenty points from Gryf- Slytherin!"

Snape's wrath sent pupils skidding away from his line of vision, but the figure that was Harry got up himself, dusting himself down from his impromptu collapse.

"My apologies Severus, I think someone must have Confounded me..."

"Confounded people do not make sense most times, Potter. And you will address me as Professor." Snape's tone wasn't allowing him to argue.

"So, I was correct in those things I said?" Harry raised his eyebrow, "Very well... Sorry for disturbing your lesson, you may continue."

The objection on Snape's lips died away when he realised that he accidentally agreed with what Harry said. Snickers from various students died away as he furiously returned to his desk and began to bark out orders to make a complex potion, glaring at anyone that dared speak up against him.

The class was silent, save for the clinking of beakers, bursting of flames, sizzling of potions and the occasional cry from an exploding piece of equipment, and the hour went by unbearably slow for the Gryffindors, as the Slytherins were favoured above the others.

Once outside of the class, Hermione and Ron circled Harry as they walked to their next lesson.

"Mate, that was wicked!" Ron whispered in awe, "How could you say that to Snape?" Despite his ambivalence over Harry, he felt he had to respond positively.

"Severus required a subtle message to show that I am not so easily pushed about, though I may have gone a little too far..."

"Harry, how could you?" Hermione once more was upset, "You lost twenty points for Slytherin!"

"Yes, you're right, I should have insulted his nose, I would have lost fifty for that. Thank you for reminding me, Hermione."

Harry walked on to the classroom, leaving her standing there, her mouth open and unable to retort to that, and after half a minute, she finally caught up with them.

"Phase One is complete. Phase Two will begin next week."

Harry spoke to himself amongst the hubbub of activity as the two classes split up, the Slytherins hovering outside a nearby classroom as the Gryffindors moved on to another. Ron and Hermione looked at him with mild worry, knowing that this couldn't mean good things for anyone in his way, before joining the rest of their classmates on the trek to another room.

Within minutes, the Hufflepuff students had joined the Slytherins from their Muggle Studies class, and everyone walked into their class, where a quivering Quirrell was waiting, his stammer getting a few chuckles from everyone as he failed to give an interesting lesson for the first day.

Harry Potter sat there, his hands folded on the table, as he glared at the teacher in front of him. He noted how the Slytherins were tormenting the Hufflepuffs, trying to get in their way and generally spoiling their learning.

Harry grinned as he withdrew his wand, ready to cause more chaos.

**Author's Notes**

Harry is getting what he deserves, but he is also affecting the future already. Things will only get more insane from here on.

Oh, and there will be unexpected surprises later on.

- J


End file.
